I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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