atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
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They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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