You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
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