also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
