PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
you made out with another girl for some wings
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
