thus making me awesome and them whores
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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