Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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