mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
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Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
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mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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