Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Randomize
