I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
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You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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