why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
