I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
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