i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Randomize
