WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
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Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
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We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house