this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying