My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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