Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
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