im about as happy as oj after his trial
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Randomize
