i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
