Dude my mom stole all your condoms
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
