she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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