did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
