Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
