Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
