Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
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