I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
