I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I forgot how hot balto sounded
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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