my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
