dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
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Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
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He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
This toilet bowl is my home.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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