So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
