The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I forgot wine drunk hurts
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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