Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
