Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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