I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
