My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
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