New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
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