Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
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dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
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There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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