literally had 100 drinks last night.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
