Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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