Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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