I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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