he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
If I die, sorry about rent.
Randomize
