We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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