I cannot find my penis.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
