Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
she smelled like a LAN party
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
