He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
