the condom got lost in my hair
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
My ATM looks so different sober.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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