this just has baby written all over it
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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