i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
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