I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
