Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
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Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
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Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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