I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
