I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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