I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
