i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
