I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
