my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
