he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
