And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
