I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
