I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
