There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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